Minute-by-Minute Commentary on the NCAA Championship from Someone Who Knows Nothing About Basketball

I know next to nothing about basketball. So naturally I decided that I needed to live-blog my observations on the NCAA men’s basketball championship game between the University of Kentucky and the University of Connecticut. Here we go. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

8:49 I’m going to root for Kentucky because they belong to the same conference that my undergraduate college belongs to.
8:50 Presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush are at the game? And they are sitting together? WHAT? #bros
8:52 Wait, it’s possible to get three points for making a shot? (my roommate informs me that, yes, that happens when you shoot it from outside the “field goal.” I have no idea what a “field goal” is.)
8:53 How come that Kentucky player is allowed to throw the ball to his friend while he’s flying out of bounds?
8:54 How come no two players on the same team are wearing identical outfits? Like some of them have on t-shirts, some are wearing regular sleeveless jerseys, some have on regular socks, and others have on really tall socks.
8:56 It seems rather ironic (in an Alanis Morissette kind of way) to have a candy company sponsoring an athletic event. Just saying. #reeses
8:58 How come what I think is a foul is never called a foul by the refs?
8:59 Haha, someone lost the ball and now they’re all on the floor trying to get it. It’s like a fumble!
9:01 A player can just drop the ball and pick it back up? I guess that makes sense. This isn’t soccer after all.
9:02 Man, this stadium is huge. Can the people at the top even see what’s going on? Or are they just watching it on the jumbotron?
9:03 A very long horn just blared.
9:03 These on-court interviews with the coaches are always so stupid. “Coach, what do you need to do to win?” Gee, reporter. Could you ask an even vaguer question?
9:07 What’s that weird sign somebody is holding up behind the news anchor desk? Something about lawyers. I take offense at whatever it says.
9:23 There are too many commercials. Apparently there’s a new Godzilla movie coming out. Yeah, that’s what the world needs.
9:24 The reporter informed Kentucky’s coach that one of his players isn’t living up to his hype. The coach just reminded the idiotic reporter that the player is still a kid. “He’s only 18. He’s nervous!” Way to go, reporter. You just made fun of a kid on national television.
9:25 I can never tell which team just scored. There are too many people and too many limbs flying through the air when the ball goes through the net. I think Kentucky just scored.
9:26 Is the court elevated above the sidelines? It seems like the players on the bench are leaning onto the floor.
9:27 I have a feeling throwing the ball at an opposing player during a scuffle probably isn’t a good idea.
9:31 Coke Zero wants to know if I’m a “real fan.” The answer is no. I don’t even know what’s going on.

All right. That’s enough basketball for one night.


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