Time Marches On: Signs That I’m Turning into an Adult

There are certain moments that pop up every now and then during which I realize, “huh, I think this is a sign that I am no longer a kid.” These are rather unsettling, however, because in my head I’m still a teenager. I try to avoid thinking about the whole “you’re an adult and you’ve got responsibilities like knowing how to change batteries in a smoke detector, and starting a 401k, and getting your own health insurance.”

Anyway, no matter how hard I try to avoid thinking about the fact that teenagers think I’m old enough to now be addressed as “ma’am,” I can’t go a few days without being reminded of my entrance into adulthood.

Here are some of my more recent “I’m not a kid anymore” observations.

  • My mom has a long-standing love of white dinnerware. I recently spent a solid 15 minutes perusing the white dinnerware aisle at Target BY MYSELF before selecting a few items of my own. Yep, I’m turning into my mother.
  • I have to Google acronyms I see online. IIRC? What in the world does that mean?
  • I witnessed people doing some dance called “the Wobble” for the first time ever at a wedding this summer. It confused me.
  • College freshmen look like babies to me.
  • It seems absurd to let a 16-year-old have a driver’s license.
  • I don’t understand how Disney Channel shows are even popular. Back in my day, they were way better than the cheesy crap that is shown now.
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Confessions of a Tall Girl

Jennifer Lawrence is basically me in every photo I've ever taken: the awkward tall person.

Jennifer Lawrence is basically me in every photo I’ve ever taken: the awkward tall person.

I am tall. Not tall as in I’m-taller-than-most-guys kind of tall, but tall-enough-to-be-a-model kind of tall.

People assume there are benefits to being tall, and of course, there are: I can reach things on high shelves! No one is going to card me at the movie theater! I can easily find people in a crowd just by peering over everyones’ heads! HOORAY!

But for all you average-height or less-than-average height folks out there, please don’t fret. There is a cornucopia of problems that come with being a tall lady.

You know what I can’t do? Grow extra fabric for my shirts and pants so that they are long enough to cover my appendages. Half the time I run the risk of looking like I’m wearing clothes that shrank in the wash. #laundryfail? #ithinknot

While all you petites can hem your clothes, I am stuck with either a sporting a scandalous hemline or turning a dress into a shirt. sigh

Know what else I can’t do? Wear heels without getting stares, looking like a gazelle, or listening to people’s snarkastic comments.

Speaking of which, another thing I can’t do is meet anyone new without them proclaiming that I am tall. One woman actually said to me, “Did anyone tell you that you’re gloriously tall?” No, lady. In 20-ish years, YOU are of course the first person to notice that I am tall. I have been waiting my whole life to hear this, and I am SO glad somebody FINALLY acknowledged my body size.

It would be like somebody coming up to you and saying, “Did you know that you have feet?” Well, duh.

Also, “gloriously tall”? What does that mean? Glorious is how you describe a sunrise or what it’s like to climb a mountain or your wedding day. It is NOT how you describe height.

Yet another problem arises while driving for long periods of time. Your legs get cramped because the seat isn’t long enough to support your quad muscles. sigh again

Did I mention that people assume that being tall automatically makes you a great athlete? I have the stamina of a wilting flower. It also probably doesn’t help that (as one kid in 7th grade once said to me) I “have the reflexes of a dead cow.”

So, no. I did not play basketball, volleyball, or any kind of ball.

I am also not a model, I had a really difficult time finding these pants I’m wearing, but on the plus side, the weather is indeed quite lovely up here (although it’s occasionally dampened when I stupidly walk into a low-hanging light fixture).

Thoughts That Run Through Your Head While Waiting for an Interview

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A few weeks ago, I arrived at an office a few minutes early (as per proper etiquette) for a job interview. So, I found myself sitting in the reception area waiting until the scheduled time of my interview. Now, I’m one of those people whose mind darts all over the place when they are nervously awaiting something. I see something random, fixate on it, and then my stream of consciousness goes all over the place. It’s like I’m suddenly transformed into Dory from Finding Nemo.

So, while I was sitting there waiting for my interviewer to come collect me, I had a few minutes to both a) panic and b) look around the room and notice things that I probably never would have noticed otherwise. My thought process went a little like this:

“Ugh, these heels are uncomfortable. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to buy them? Are these too “high”? Are they too shiny? Ooh, look at these hardwood floors. That’s a fun little pattern they’ve been placed in. People don’t have hardwood floors like this anymore. I wonder how old this building is. It looks old, but nicely renovated. I mean look at that furniture – it’s modern, but still traditional. I wonder how much that furniture costs. Oh, man. If I get this job, I’m going to have to buy real furniture, and I really like that chair. That side table next to it has a tiny gold Julius Caesar (I think? Or is it some other Roman? Or maybe it’s supposed to be a Greek mythological deity?) ornament on its legs.

“There’s an urn up there on that bookshelf. Clearly it’s there for decoration, but what if it has something INSIDE it? Okay, time to stop thinking about that. Look at this clock! It’s all old-fashioned and stuff. That reminds me, should I completely turn off my cell phone? Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. Goodbye, digital world.

“I wonder if anyone actually takes the mints sitting in that bowl on the receptionist’s desk. Should I take one? Probably not. I already ate two breath mints.

“Oh, this must be my interviewer! All right, self, try not to look like an awkward giraffe when you stand up in these high heels. Ahhh! Here we go.”

What Happens When You Don’t Live with a Roommate Anymore

A list of epiphanies, fears, and problems that arise when you find yourself living alone after years of living with another human.

1) You finally have to get your own Netflix account. But when you log in, you realize you have no idea what episode of “Mad Men” you are actually on, and that this account has no clue that you love “House of Cards” and “Scandal.” It’s like Netflix has forgotten who you are. WE WATCHED “MITT” TOGETHER, NETFLIX! How could you forget?! #insulted

2) When you hear a suspicious noise in the middle of the night, you can no longer comfort yourself with the thought of “Oh, that was probably just Roommate getting a glass of water,” or “Oh, that was just Roommate’s cat kicking a candle across the living room.” #WishfulThinking

3) Speaking of scary things, you can no longer watch “Law & Order: SVU,” “Criminal Minds,” “Sherlock,” or any other mystery/detective/crime show without having to sleep with the light on for the next three days.

4) When you’re watching your favorite TV show and something dumb, insane, or confusing happens, you have no one to instantly discuss your qualms or surprise with. #CanYouBelieveThatJustHappened?!

5) There’s no one to share your dinner or baked goods with anymore.

6) You are more inclined to leave random things lying about. Curling iron on the bathroom floor? NBD. Sugar and coffee grinds left on the counter? Clean it up later. Mail stacking up on the end table in the living room? Indifference.

7) But yet, you feel more responsibility because suddenly you’re the one paying all the bills. You know, instead of just paying half or just handing your roommate a check every month.

8) There’s nobody to talk to face-to-face when you come home every day. #ForeverAlone

9) You use up your dishes fairly quickly, but there aren’t enough dishes in the dishwasher to actually justify running it, so you often find yourself debating what to do.

10) You basically live in your bedroom, and you only emerge to grab food in the kitchen (to take back to your room) or use the bathroom.#hermit

11) There is no one to say “good night” or “good morning” to anymore.

12) If you suddenly realize that you’ve run out of something (soap, band-aids, bread, etc.) just when you really need it, you can’t just walk ten steps into their room and ask for it. You actually have to go to the grocery store yourself.

13) If you lock yourself out of your apartment or house, you’re gonna have to break a window or call a locksmith, because nobody’s gonna come let you in.

14) You can literally spend an entire weekend without seeing another human being – i.e., never leaving your house or bedroom. This may result in stir-craziness, an exorbitant amount of television consumption, and a severe lack of vitamin D. #NoSunlight

15) You realize just how inferior Apple’s version of FaceTime is to real-life face time.

Is there anything else you would add to the list?